Miranda - Series 4, Episode 1
by such fun
Summary: Miranda's back and trying to make the best of things...
1. Chapter 1

**Series 4, Episode 1**

**MIRANDA'S SITTING ROOM**

MIRANDA IS ALONE IN HER FLAT, TALKING TO THE AUDIENCE.

**MIRANDA**

There you are. Do come and join, what do you mean; you're waiting for the kettle to boil? Rude. Alright, I'll wait. Actually, no I won't. You'll have to catch up later on iPlayer.

So last time we were together it was quite a tumultuous day in my life; good word, tumultuous; tumultuous, yes, I'll stop now. Where was I? Oh yes; so I'd tried to leave and start a new life far, far away... Oh Chewbacca, let me stroke your thick, thick fur... Sorry. Sorry. Where was I? Yes, leaving. I didn't succeed, Gary came running after me and for a few hours I was deceived by his apparent concern and love for me. Yes, really. Then Mike returned and proposed. So Gary proposed too; and it turned into a bit of a circus. But it wasn't to be. I couldn't return Mike's feelings and I wasn't sure of Gary's. I know; it's very sad, but Gary's heart was only half there, and I need more than that. I deserve more than that. Thank you. So Mike's gone and Gary and I have decided to just be friends. Again.

That was a month ago and things are ok. They're not great, but they're ok. Life goes on, doesn't it? Well, I believe that; my mother doesn't, she's been unbearable. She was furious with me for not accepting either Mike or Gary and at first refused to talk to me. Then she realised that was hardly a punishment and has since taken to popping round four times a day to tell me I've made a huge mistake and to inform me that Benji is also still single. I really don't need to be kept informed about that.

In other news, Tilly and Charlie's wedding is fast approaching. Stevie and I are maids of honour, and both wearing the most revolting orange satin dresses you've ever seen; it's like she lifted them directly from a 1980's Kay's Catalogue. We tried to fight against it, but we failed miserably and even managed to incur the added atrocity of having to manage Tilly's three revolting toddler cousins who are bridesmaids. Joy.

Right, must be nearly lunch time, I'm off to the restaurant.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

**AT THE RESTAURANT**

MIRANDA ENTERS AND SITS HERSELF DOWN AT THE BAR NEXT TO A COUPLE WHO ARE ENJOYING A QUIET DRINK AND ARE NOT TOO HAPPY TO HAVE MIRANDA'S COMPANY IMPOSED UPON THEM.

GARY ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN. HE SEEMS STRESSED AND ANXIOUS BUT WHEN HE LOOKS UP AND SEES MIRANDA SITTING THERE, HIS EPXRESSION IMMEDIATELY CLEARS AND HE SMILES AT HER WARMLY.

**GARY**

Want some lunch Miranda? The special is lasagne.

**MIRANDA**

Lovely, thanks Gary; I love you... err your... yes, your lasagne.

GARY SMILES AND EXITS TO THE KITCHEN. MIRANDA TURNS TO THE COUPLE NEXT TO HER WHO HAVE HEARD THE EXCHANGE BETWEEN HER AND GARY.

**MIRANDA**

I think I covered that up alright; but how embarrassing.

**WOMAN**

There's nothing wrong with telling your boyfriend you love him. I tell Sebastian all the time.

**MIRANDA**

Oh no, Gary's not my boyfriend. Not anymore; and not ever really, well, for about an hour...

**WOMAN**

(CUTTING IN) I see. Then, yes, that was embarrassing.

THE WOMAN TURNS AWAY FROM MIRANDA AGAIN.

**MIRANDA**

Thanks.

TILLY AND CHARLIE ENTER THE RESTAURANT.

MIRANDA WAVES TO THEM AND THEY COME OVER TO HER.

**TILLY**

Miranda, I was coming to see you next. This is a bit awkward.

**CHARLIE**

Shall I be on my way snuzzle-chops? Let you have some girl chat?

**TILLY**

Ya. Ok mushy-pops. See you at Mummy's later for a run through of the vows.

CHARLIE EXITS.

**MIRANDA**

Spit it out then, what's awkward?

**TILLY**

I was coming to see Gary… I need to know who you guys are bringing as your…. well… as your 'plus ones'. You wouldn't believe the intricate details involved in table planning; totally stressing.

**MIRANDA**

It's not awkward Tilly, honestly, Gary and I are friends; he can bring whoever he likes.

**TILLY**

Really?

**MIRANDA**

Really.

GARY ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH LASAGNE FOR MIRANDA.

**GARY**

Hi Tilly; want some lunch?

**TILLY**

Oh no thanks Gary, I had some the day before yesterday. Need to fit into the dress!

**GARY**

How about a latte?

**TILLY**

A hundred and thirty seven point three calories Gary! And that's with skimmed!

**GARY**

A glass of water?

**TILLY**

That's very sweet, but I don't want to bloat up. I just came to find out who you're bringing as your guest for the wedding.

**GARY**

Oh. Erm, well…

**TILLY**

It's totally ok if you want to bring someone as 'a friend'.

TILLY NUDGES MIRANDA WHO GIVES HER AN EXASPERATED LOOK.

**GARY**

Oh, sure. I was going to do that actually.

**TILLY**

So I'll put you and Miranda down as a pair then. Great.

**GARY**

No! I mean; sorry, Miranda and I are friends, obviously… best friends… but I'm already bringing someone else.

BOTH TILLY AND MIRANDA STARE AT GARY.

**TILLY**

So who are you bringing Gary?

**GARY**

Stevie. She asked me. Is that ok?

MIRANDA IS SHOCKED, BUT RECOVERS QUICKLY.

**MIRANDA**

That's fine, because I'm actually bringing a friend too.

**GARY**

Really? Who?

**MIRANDA**

Just an old friend; ran into him a few days ago. Oh, look at the time, must go.

MIRANDA, IN HER HASTE, FALLS OFF THE BAR STOOL. SHE PICKS HERSELF UP AND BEFORE SHE CAN BE ASKED ANY MORE QUESTIONS, RUNS OUT OF THE RESTAURANT, TILLY CALLING AFTER HER.

**TILLY**

I need his name Kong, for the table plan, what's his name?

GARY, LOOKING ANNOYED, EXITS TO THE KITCHEN.


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

**AT THE SHOP**

STEVIE IS DUSTING SOME COMEDY BREASTS AS MIRANDA ENTERS.

**MIRANDA**

Stevie, I thought you were my friend, how could you?

**STEVIE**

I don't know what you're on about,

So take a seat and spit it out.

**MIRANDA**

And please stop talking in rhyming couplets; it's very annoying.

**STEVIE**

Simple poems make you cross,

Because your brain is full of moss.

**MIRANDA**

Stevie! Stop it!

**STEVIE**

My rhyming gifts are heaven sent,

And I gave up normal speech for Lent.

**MIRANDA**

Fine. But why on Earth are you going as Gary's date to the wedding? You know what he means to me.

**STEVIE**

Oh, I see, but it's not treason,

I had a very noble reason.

**MIRANDA **

A noble reason?

**STEVIE**

Tilly's friends were having lunch,

They really are a desperate bunch.

**MIRANDA**

And?

**STEVIE**

One was just about to ask,

Gary to perform the task.

Of escorting her to Tilly's wedding,

And a shopping trip to Reading.

**MIRANDA**

Oh. Oh, I see. You asked him so he wouldn't have to go with one of Tilly's friends. OK, that's a bit better. But I'm still cross, Stevie, now I've had to make up a completely fictional person to take me! Where am I going to find someone?

**STEVIE**

Your cousin Benji might be free,

Shall I phone him up to see?

**MIRANDA**

No! I'm going to bed.

**STEVIE**

It's only half past one Miranda,

We'll take our tea on the veranda.

Nothing much rhymes with your name,

Have you thought of changing it to Jane?

MIRANDA GIVES STEVIE A WITHERING LOOK AND STOMPS UPSTAIRS TO THE FLAT.


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

**AT THE FLAT**

MIRANDA IS SITTING ON THE SOFA LOOKING DEPRESSED.

**MIRANDA**

Oh, hello... I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself.

MIRANDA GETS UP AND GOES TO THE FREEZER. SHE REMOVES AN ENTIRE VIENETTA ICE CREAM GATEAUX, CUTS A VERY SMALL SLICE THEN PUTS THE VERY SMALL SLICE BACK IN THE BOX AND THE REST OF IT IN A LARGE MIXING BOWL. SHE GETS A SPOON THEN GOES BACK TO THE SOFA AND STARTS TO EAT THE ICE CREAM.

**MIRANDA**

I mean; why can't anything go right? Now, not only is Stevie going with Gary to the wedding, but I've made things doubly complicated by pretending I've got a date with no chance whatsoever of finding a date. And you know how news travels...

PENNY ENTERS LOOKING DELIGHTED.

**PENNY**

Darling! I just heard from Tilly that you've got a date for the wedding; I am, what I call, ecstatic!

**MIRANDA**

Oh, Mum, please don't...

**PENNY**

I must admit, I'd rather lost hope after you turned down both Mike and Gary... but now... oh, I would hug you, but I've just showered. Must dash!

PENNY EXITS. MIRANDA GOES BACK TO EATING THE ICE CREAM. SHE ACCIDENTALLY SLOPS A GREAT DEAL OF IT DOWN HER FRONT.

MIRANDA IS JUST MOPPING UP THE ICE CREAM WHEN THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

**MIRANDA**

Coming!

MIRANDA OPENS THE DOOR. STANDING IN FRONT HER IS POSSIBLY THE MOST GORGEOUS MAN SHE HAS EVER SEEN; SIX FOOT FIVE, BROWN HAIR, BLUE EYES, CLEAN SHAVEN AND REAKING OF THE MOST INTOXICATINGLY DELICIOUS AFTER SHAVE MIRANDA HAS EVER SMELT.

**MIRANDA**

Ooh... hello.

**DAVID**

Miranda, how lovely to see you; you haven't changed at bit!

MIRANDA SWOONS AND FAINTS. DAVID IMMEDIATELY KNEELS DOWN NEXT TO HER AND FANS HER WITH HIS COPY OF THE TIMES NEWSPAPER.

MIRANDA COMES ROUND, NOT SO MUCH FROM THE GENTLE FANNING, BUT MORE FROM DAVID'S AFTER SHAVE.

**MIRANDA**

Ooh... hello.

**DAVID**

Are you alright Miranda?

MIRANDA SCRAMBLES TO HER FEET AND TRIES TO LOOK DIGNIFIED. BUT THIS IS QUITE DIFFICULT BECAUSE SHE IS COVERED IN ICE CREAM.

**MIRANDA**

Yes, yes, I'm fine... I'm sorry; have we met?

**DAVID**

You don't remember me, Miranda? It's true I've changed a bit since we last met; I had a late spurt of growth, finally got rid of my braces and spots about ten years ago, and getting a proper job at my father's company meant I had to get my hair chopped and buy a few nice suits! It's me; David!


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5**

**AT THE FLAT**

MIRANDA STARES AT DAVID, UNABLE TO BELIEVE HER EYES. SHE NOW REMEMBERS WHO HE IS; A GOOD FRIEND FROM UNIVERSITY. SHE AND GARY AND DAVID HAD BEEN INSEPERABLE. BUT DAVID WASN'T LYING WHEN HE'D SAID HE'D GROWN, HE HAD BEEN 5'8 AT UNIVERSITY AND COVERED IN SPOTS.

IN THEIR LAST YEAR AT UNIVERSITY, THEY'D GROWN APART AND TAKEN DIFFERENT CLASSES. ALSO, THERE HAD BEEN SOME FRICTION BETWEEN DAVID AND GARY AND DAVID HAD MADE FRIENDS WITH OTHER STUDENTS IN HIS CLASSES.

**MIRANDA**

Oh my goodness! David! Wow. Wow. Are you married? Sorry, I mean, how are you?

**DAVID**

Great, really great. I'm down for a month on business and I just had to catch up with you. I didn't realise how much I'd missed you until I knew I'd see you again.

**MIRANDA**

Gosh. Well, come in. Would you like a cup of tea. And, err. _Are_ you married?

**DAVID**

No; free and single. How about you?

**MIRANDA**

Yes, me too. It's great, isn't it?

**DAVID**

Not really.

**MIRANDA**

No, it's awful. Well, most of the time it's fine. But then there are things that require you to have a plus one and then it's a problem. Especially when your best friend deserts you to go with your other best friend... sorry, I'm rambling.

**DAVID**

I know exactly what you mean. And my mother's always on my back.

**MIRANDA**

Oh me too. She never stops trying to marry me off.

**DAVID**

So is there an event that you need a plus one for? I could be him.

**MIRANDA**

I could kiss you. Sorry. Yes, there is one, my friend Tilly's getting married, and Gary, you remember Gary? He's going with Stevie.

DAVID'S FACE CLOUDS OVER MOMENTARILY.

**DAVID**

Gary's here?

**MIRANDA**

Are you ok, David?

**DAVID**

Yes, I'm fine. I guess I should call by and see Gary, clear the air. Does he live nearby?

**MIRANDA **

Yes, and he runs the restaurant next door. But could I ask you a favour?

**DAVID**

Sure, name it.

**MIRANDA**

I may have lied slightly about meeting an old friend who was going to accompany me to the wedding. But since we're going together, would you mind not mentioning that we've only just arranged it?

**DAVID**

No problem. And Miranda... It really is great to see you again. There's a lot I need to tell you.


	6. Chapter 6 - part 1

**CHAPTER 6**

**LATER AT THE SHOP**

MIRANDA GALLOPS DOWN THE STAIRS, ALMOST FALLING, IN HER HASTE TO FIND STEVIE. SHE HAS WASHED HER HAIR AND CHANGED OUT OF HER ICE CREAM COVERED CLOTHES INTO A NICE DRESS.

**MIRANDA**

Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie!

**STEVIE**

Miranda! What a nice surprise,

In a lovely dress that hides your thighs.

**MIRANDA**

Does it? Oh, but never mind that. I have. Huge! News!

**STEVIE**

Ok, but just before you start

I've taken your concerns to heart

I should not have asked your true love Gary

To be my date when Tilly marries.

**MIRANDA**

Thank you for saying that Stevie, but it's ok, you can go with Gary.

**STEVIE**

I've already emailed him

And asked if he can please pop in.

GARY ENTERS THE SHOP. HE HAS BROUGHT A PLATE OF MUFFINS WITH HIM. MIRANDA'S EYES LIGHT UP. GARY SEES THIS AND OFFERS THEM TO MIRANDA.

**GARY**

Just out the oven.

**MIRANDA**

Ooh, lovely, thanks Gary.

**GARY**

You asked me to come over, Stevie, is everything ok?

**To be continued...**


	7. Chapter 6 - part 2

**CHAPTER 6**

**AT THE SHOP**

**GARY**

You asked me to come over, Stevie, is everything ok?

MIRANDA SPEAKS WITH HER MOUTH FULL OF MUFFIN, SPITTING IT OUT EVERYWHERE.

**MIRANDA**

Yes, everything's fine. Isn't it Stevie?

**STEVIE**

I'm the bearer of bad news, I fear,

And though I hold you very dear,

The date is off for Tilly's bash

Asking you was just too rash,

I'm sorry, now I'm all a dither,

But Miranda's free so please go with her.

**GARY**

What?

**MIRANDA**

Stevie's ditching you.

**GARY**

Oh, I see. Why?

**MIRANDA**

Because she thinks we should go together.

**GARY**

Right. So, um... do you want to go with me?

**MIRANDA**

I'm sorry Gary, as I've just been trying to tell Stevie, I'm going with someone else.

**STEVIE**

But that was all a big fat whopper,

Now you've got a date that's proper.

**MIRANDA**

Stevie; as your boss, I forbid you from talking in couplets any more.

**STEVIE**

Thanks Miranda. Now just say you'll go with Gary to Tilly's wedding and stop all this nonsense.

**MIRANDA**

I can't. I really am going with an old friend.

**GARY**

Who?

DAVID ENTERS THE SHOP.

**DAVID**

Me. Hello Gary, it's been a long time.

AS GARY REALISES IT'S DAVID, HIS FACE TURNS TO STONE.

**STEVIE**

Wow.

**GARY**

You're not going with him, Miranda. I forbid it.

GARY EXITS THE SHOP.


	8. Chapters 7 and 8

**CHAPTER 7**

AS GARY REALISES IT'S DAVID, HIS FACE TURNS TO STONE.

**STEVIE**

Wow.

**GARY**

You're not going with him, Miranda. I forbid it.

GARY EXITS THE SHOP. MIRANDA IS STUNNED.

**STEVIE**

What's got into him?

**DAVID**

I should go after him.

**MIRANDA**

No. Please don't. Sorry David, but I need to sort this out.

MIRANDA EXITS THE SHOP. STEVIE IS STILL GAZING AT DAVID, HER MOUTH SLIGHTLY OPEN AND SHE IS DROOLING A LITTLE.

**STEVIE**

So if Miranda is forbidden from going with you, do you want to come with me instead?

DAVID LOOKS AT STEVIE AS IF SHE'S MAD.

**DAVID**

(SNEERING UNKINDLY) No!

DAVID STARTS TO EXIT THE SHOP. STEVIE IS OFFENDED.

**STEVIE**

(CALLING AFTER HIM) But I have the allure! (THE DOOR BANGS SHUT) Charming.

**CHAPTER 8**

GARY IS IN THE RESTAURANT, PACING IN FRONT OF THE BAR, DEEP IN THOUGHT.

MIRANDA ENTERS, BUT GARY DOESN'T EVEN NOTICE.

MIRANDA WATCHES HIM FOR A MOMENT; HER PREVIOUS ANGER NOW ABATING AS SHE SEES HOW AGITATED GARY IS.

FINALLY, MIRANDA WALKS OVER TO GARY AND STOPS HIS PACING BY CATCHING HIS ARM. GARY IS GENUINELY SHOCKED TO SEE HER.

**GARY**

Oh, Miranda, I didn't hear you come in.

**MIRANDA**

What's going on, Gary? I should be furious with you, but somehow I think you have a good reason for your unreasonable behaviour. If that makes sense.

GARY TAKES BOTH MIRANDA'S HANDS IN HIS AND LOOKS EARNESTLY INTO HER EYES.

**GARY**

I'm sorry Miranda, I can't tell you why, but please trust me on this.

**MIRANDA**

But he's just an old friend, Gary, and I needed a date for Tilly's wedding. It's not like I'm marrying him.

DAVID NOW ENTERS THE RESTAURANT, UNSEEN BY MIRANDA OR GARY.

**GARY**

Please don't do this Miranda, can't you go with me instead?

**DAVID**

Miranda and I are going together Gary, so it looks like you'll just have to get used to it.


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER 9**

**DAVID**

Miranda and I are going together Gary, so it looks like you'll just have to get used to it.

**GARY**

Not a chance David. Miranda's _my_ friend... And my _almost_ girlfriend. So why don't you crawl back to whichever rock you've been living under and leave us alone.

GARY SEEMS SHOCKED AT HIS OWN OUTBURST. DAVID LAUGHS NASTILY AT HIM.

**DAVID**

(MOCKINGLY) Your _almost_ girlfriend. And yet you were planning to take that idiot Stevie to the wedding and _not _Miranda.

**MIRANDA**

David! Don't call Stevie an idiot!

PENNY ENTERS THE RESTAURANT.

**PENNY**

Only me darling. Oh, who's this

DAVID INSTANTLY TURNS ON THE CHARM AND KISSES PENNY'S HAND.

**PENNY**

(FLUSTERED) Oh! (TO MIRANDA) Now that is what I call a gentleman.

**DAVID**

I'm David, an old friend of Miranda's. You must be Miranda's sister?

**PENNY**

(GIGGLING) Oh! Stop!

**DAVID**

Miranda and I are going to the wedding together; I love weddings, don't you? Always make me wish _I _was the one getting married...

DAVID TAKES PENNY'S ARM AND LEADS HER, CHATTING DELIGHTEDLY, OUT OF THE RESTAURANT.

MIRANDA IS AMAZED AT THE WAY DAVID HAS INGRATIATED HIMSELF SO QUICKLY WITH PENNY. SHE TURNS TO GARY, PUZZLED AND RATHER WORRIED.

**MIRANDA**

Please tell me what's going on, Gary, or Mum will probably have a hat commissioned before tea time.

**GARY**

Alright, I'll tell you. But you have to promise me it won't go any further.

MIRANDA LOOKS AT GARY, SURPRISED.

**GARY**

Promise me, Miranda.

**MIRANDA**

Alright, I promise.


	10. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER 10**

**MIRANDA**

Please tell me what's going on, Gary, or Mum will probably have a hat commissioned before tea time.

**GARY**

Alright, I'll tell you. But you have to promise me it won't go any further.

MIRANDA LOOKS AT GARY, SURPRISED.

**GARY**

Promise me, Miranda.

**MIRANDA**

Alright, I promise.

**GARY**

Sit down. I'll put the closed sign on the door.

GARY PUTS THE CLOSED SIGN ON THE DOOR, LOCKS IT, THEN CLOSES ALL THE BLINDS, BEFORE SITTING DOWN AT A TABLE WITH MIRANDA.

MIRANDA IS AMAZED.

**MIRANDA**

Should we check under the table for bugs?

**GARY**

Good idea**.**

**MIRANDA**

I was joking.

**GARY**

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

**MIRANDA**

Come on then.

**GARY**

Ok, it was in our final year at Uni.

**MIRANDA**

Yes, I remember that David suddenly started spending much less time with us, but I thought that was because he was taking different classes.

**GARY**

Because I insisted; not because he wanted to.

**MIRANDA**

What happened? You two used to be such good friends.

**GARY**

Ok, I'm going to tell you something that will shock you, Miranda. I never wanted to tell you, but as he's back, sniffing around you, well, you have to know what he's really like.

**MIRANDA**

Tell me, Gary.

**GARY**

David and I had gone out one evening to the Student Bar. He had a few too many and he started telling me all sorts of random things. Intimate things. About our friends. He knew things; and things he certainly shouldn't have known. I was appalled but I wanted to know how he'd found all this out, so I let him talk.

**MIRANDA**

What sort of things?

**GARY**

Personal things. I don't want to tell you in detail, Miranda. But some of things were about you.

**MIRANDA**

Me? But I'd never confided anything in him that I hadn't told you.

**GARY**

I know; we were so close that I realised he must either be lying, or...

**MIRANDA**

What?

**GARY**

I asked him how he knew the things he was telling me. He admitted he was spying on you. Not just on you, on Sally, Jo and Claire too. His Dad's business is surveillance equipment; he was using it to watch you.

**MIRANDA**

Oh my goodness! That's horrible!

**GARY**

I know. He was too drunk to argue with that night, so I waited until the morning and then I went to his room and I told him to get rid of it all or I'd go to the police. I also told him to stop hanging around with us. He was furious with me, and swore he'd get revenge one day. He said he'd bide his time, and when I least expected it, he'd take away the most important thing in my life. I guess that time has come.


	11. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER 11**

…**.MIRANDA**

Oh my goodness! That's horrible!

**GARY**

I know. He was too drunk to argue with that night, so I waited until the morning and then I went to his room and I told him to get rid of it all or I'd go to the police. I also told him to stop hanging around with us. He was furious with me, and swore he'd get revenge one day. He said he'd bide his time, and when I least expected it, he'd take away the most important thing in my life. I guess that time has come…..

MIRANDA WAS SHOCKED AND GARY WAS WORRIED THAT HE'D SAID TOO MUCH.

**GARY**

Miranda?

**MIRANDA**

Sorry Gary, it's all so sudden, I never expected…

**GARY**

I shouldn't have told you.

**MIRANDA**

No, you definitely should have told me. But you should have told me twenty years ago! We can't do anything about that now though.

**GARY**

So what about Tilly's wedding? What will you tell him?

**MIRANDA**

I think I'll still have to go with him. If I don't, he'll know you've told me and I think it's better he doesn't know that… just yet.

**GARY**

Why?

**MIRANDA**

Because I want revenge Gary. You let him off the hook, but what he did was illegal and a huge invasion of mine and my friend's privacy.

**GARY**

I don't want you to go with him.

**MIRANDA**

I know that, but since I didn't know all this before I arranged to go with him, I don't think you can very well dictate things now. And in any case, you'd already planned to go with Stevie and you and I are friends, Gary. And only friends.

**GARY**

Miranda…

**MIRANDA**

Don't Gary. I need to think about this. I'll see you later.

MIRANDA GETS UP AND LEAVES. GARY IS DEVASTATED.


	12. Chapter 12

…**.****GARY**

I don't want you to go with him.

**MIRANDA**

I know that, but since I didn't know all this before I arranged to go with him, I don't think you can very well dictate things now. And in any case, you'd already planned to go with Stevie and you and I are friends, Gary. And only friends.

**GARY**

Miranda…

**MIRANDA**

Don't Gary. I need to think about this. I'll see you later.

MIRANDA GETS UP AND LEAVES. GARY IS DEVASTATED.

MIRANDA ENTERS THE SHOP. STEVIE IS ON THE PHONE.

**STEVIE**

She's just walked in. Yes, I'll tell her; bye Penny.

**MIRANDA**

What did Mum want?

**STEVIE**

She was calling from the hat shop on the High Street.

**MIRANDA**

Oh no.

**STEVIE**

She's commissioning a fascinator and then she's going to the wedding shop to arrange an appointment for you; she said to clear your diary indefinitely and prepare to become a married woman.

**MIRANDA**

Stevie; what did you think of David?

**STEVIE**

Um; well… he's very good looking.

**MIRANDA**

But what did you think of him?

**STEVIE**

Well… er. Tall.

**MIRANDA**

Stevie.

**STEVIE**

Ok. I thought he was rude, sneering and jolly unkind.

**MIRANDA**

Mum thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. And I want you to pretend he is too.

**STEVIE**

But why, Miranda. You don't really like him, do you?

**MIRANDA**

I'm going to marry him Stevie.

**STEVIE**

Oh. Oh. I don't know what to say.

**MIRANDA**

You don't need to say anything. I just want you to go along with it; ok?

**STEVIE**

Alright. If that's what you want.

**MIRANDA**

I do. I can't explain right now, Stevie, but it's very important.

MIRANDA LEAVES THE SHOP AND GOES UPSTAIRS. STEVIE STARES AFTER HER.


	13. Chapter 13

**MIRANDA**

…I can't explain right now, Stevie, but it's very important.

MIRANDA LEAVES THE SHOP AND GOES UPSTAIRS. STEVIE STARES AFTER HER.

IN THE FLAT, MIRANDA IS PACING, DEEP IN THOUGHT.

DAVID ENTERS UNSEEN. HE WATCHES MIRANDA FOR A MOMENT UNTIL SHE SENSES HIS PRESENCE AND TURNS TO SEE HIM STANDING THERE. HE INSTANTLY TURNS ON THE CHARM.

**DAVID**

Miranda; is everything alright?

**MIRANDA**

Yes, David. Gary and I… well, it's complicated. You know what he's like.

**DAVID**

I do.

**MIRANDA**

Tell me, David; why did you stop hanging around with me and Gary all those years ago?

**DAVID**

I had hoped you'd never ask me that Miranda. But I promised myself, that if you did, I'd tell you the truth.

**MIRANDA**

Well, I've asked you, so please tell me.

**DAVID**

It was Gary. He said three's a crowd and that he didn't want me around any more. I said we were all close friends, and why couldn't it stay that way. He told me that you and he were more than that. I was shattered. I couldn't tell you at the time, but I'd always had feelings for you, Miranda. I suppose Gary guessed that and wanted you all to himself.

**MIRANDA**

But you've come back, David. Why now? After all these years.

**DAVID**

It was my birthday a few weeks ago. I've had a lot of success in my life, Miranda, I have my own house, a good job, more money than I can spend. I should be happy. But I'm not. I'm not happy because I don't have anyone to share my life with. I've just never got over how I felt about you. How I still feel about you. I had to know if you could ever feel the same.

**MIRANDA**

I wish you'd told me all this before, David. Gary and I are just friends; I don't think we'll ever be more than that. And I'm like you in some ways; I've got this flat, my own business, but there's always been something missing. Perhaps you're the thing that's been missing.

**DAVID**

Do you mean that, Miranda? Really?

**MIRANDA**

Yes, I do.

**DAVID**

Wow; that's… well, that's amazing. I can't tell you how that makes me feel. Miranda; let's not waste another moment. Let's just get married and be together forever.

**MIRANDA**

It's very sudden; and very rash. But yes, let's do it!

**DAVID**

I'll phone my parents! Let's do it right away; what date is good for you?

**MIRANDA**

Well, I can't do next weekend; that's Tilly's wedding.

**DAVID**

What about the day after tomorrow?

**MIRANDA**

Really?

**DAVID**

Really.

DAVID APPROACHES MIRANDA AND TAKES HER HANDS IN HIS, GAZING DEEPLY INTO HER EYES.

MIRANDA FEELS RATHER GIDDY. DAVID REALLY IS ASTONISHINGLY GOOD LOOKING AND SHE DOESN'T STOP HIM WHEN HE GENTLY BENDS HIS HEAD AND KISSES HER SOFTLY ON THE LIPS.

AFTER A FEW MOMENTS THEY ARE INTERRUPTED BY PENNY, BURSTING INTO THE ROOM.

**PENNY**

Darling, only me, I wanted to…. Oh! Oh! David! I'll go.

**MIRANDA**

No, don't go, Mum. We have something to tell you.


	14. Chapter 14

**MIRANDA**

No, don't go, Mum. We have something to tell you…

**PENNY**

Oh, darling, can this be?

**DAVID**

Yes, Penny. I've asked Miranda to be my wife. She's made me the happiest of men and I promise to cherish her with all my heart and worldly goods forever and ever. And we're getting married straight away, well, the day after tomorrow so I don't have to wait any longer than I can bear to be her husband. And on that note, I'd better hurry, I must let my parents know; and I'll go and see the vicar and arrange everything. Goodbye Miranda, goodbye Penny, I'll be back this evening.

DAVID SWEEPS OUT.

PENNY CAN NOT BELIEVE IT. SHE SITS DOWN SUDDENLY ON THE SOFA AND STARES AT MIRANDA.

MIRANDA'S FACE IS EXPRESSIONLESS AND PENNY FROWNS AT THIS.

**PENNY**

Darling. I'm not sure he's right for you.

**MIRANDA**

No, he's not.

PENNY BURSTS INTO TEARS. SHE TRIES TO SPEAK BUT MIRANDA CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE'S TRYING TO SAY DUE TO ALL THE WAILING. EVENTUALLY, PENNY CALMS DOWN ENOUGH TO SPEAK CLEARLY.

**PENNY**

This is my fault; all my fault.

**MIRANDA**

No, Mum. Oh I feel terrible now. It really isn't your fault.

**PENNY**

It is! I've been hellish to you; I've gone on and on and on about finding a husband; and I've made you feel guilty for letting me down for the last fifteen years because you're on the shelf and never make an effort with your appearance, leaving you with no hope of ever finding a man…

**MIRANDA**

Ok, I'm feeling less terrible for upsetting you now.

**PENNY**

Don't do it, Miranda. Please, don't do it. I can see you don't really love him. Not in the way you should.

**MIRANDA**

No, I don't love him. Not even a tiny bit. Though I have to admit, he's a jolly good kisser. But that's beside the point; he couldn't make me happy and I'd rather marry Benji!

**PENNY**

Then don't throw your life away; better to be a lonely, fat, unloved spinster…

**MIRANDA**

What?

**PENNY**

…Than trapped in a marriage that won't make you happy. And Benji is still single; I can phone…

**MIRANDA**

Look, Mum. I need to explain. I'm not going to marry David; I just need everyone to think I am. Well, everyone on his side of the affair; can you keep this just between the immediate family and friends?

**PENNY**

I don't understand.

**MIRANDA**

I'll make us a cup of tea.

MIRANDA GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND PUTS ON THE KETTLE. PENNY STARES AFTER HER FOR A FEW MOMENTS AND THEN SLUMPS BACK ON THE SOFA, EXHAUSTED WITH ALL THE EMOTION.


	15. Chapter 15

THE RESTAURANT.

DAVID ENTERS.

GARY HAS HIS BACK TO THE DOOR AND DOES NOT SEE DAVID APPROACHING. DAVID SITS DOWN AT THE BAR AND WAITS UNTIL GARY TURNS AROUND BEFORE HE SPEAKS.

**DAVID**

How about a truce, Gary. For Miranda's sake.

**GARY**

No way, David. And stay away from Miranda. I'm warning you for the last time.

**DAVID**

That's going to be pretty difficult, Gary. You see, Miranda has agreed to be my wife.

GARY STARES AT DAVID, COMPLETELY SHOCKED.

**GARY**

I don't believe it. I won't believe it. Get out.

DAVID GRINS AT GARY, MOCKINGLY. HE GETS UP AND GOES TO THE DOOR. AS HE REACHES THE DOOR HE TURNS TO GARY AND DELIVERS HIS FINAL BLOW.

**DAVID**

Alright, but it won't stop it being true. See you around, Gary. You're welcome to come to the wedding, by the way. It's the day after tomorrow.

DAVID LEAVES, JUST AS STEVIE ENTERS. STEVIE SEEMS AGITATED.

**GARY**

You won't believe what that lying bastard just said.

**STEVIE**

I think I would.

**GARY**

He said that he and Miranda were getting married. In two days time.

**STEVIE**

I didn't realise it would be that soon!

**GARY**

So it's true then? Oh no, what am I going to do? This is a disaster.

**STEVIE**

Well, you've got the suit you're wearing to Tilly's wedding, can't you wear that?

**GARY**

I'm not worried about what I'm going to wear, Stevie. I'm worried that I'm losing the only woman I've ever loved.

**STEVIE**

Do you mean Miranda?

**GARY**

Yes! Of course I mean Miranda.

**STEVIE**

Oh I see. Then yes, that is a disaster.

**GARY**

I can't believe she's marrying him. And after I told her truth about David too! He must have denied it and somehow made me out to be the villain.

**STEVIE**

Well, he is one hell of a good looking, smooth talking low life. I'm sure he could persuade anyone to do anything.

**GARY**

I can't bear this. And I can't believe I've let it happen. I should have told Miranda how I felt about her. I should be the one she's marrying, not him.

**STEVIE**

Still, never mind. At least you can wear the same suit to both weddings. It's so much easier for men. Women have to find a different dress for every occasion; not that I'd want to wear the dreadful bridesmaid dress ever again though; it keeps giving me electric shocks when I walk on carpet. And the shoes hurt.

**GARY**

Stevie! This is a crisis, would you stop going on about your dress and shoes.

**STEVIE**

It's alright for you. I bet you've got a comfy pair of hash browns for every occasion.

**GARY**

Hush Puppies.

**STEVIE**

There you go then. I'd better get back to the shop. See you later.


	16. Chapter 16

**GARY**

Stevie! This is a crisis, would you stop going on about your dress and shoes.

**STEVIE**

It's alright for you. I bet you've got a comfy pair of hash browns for every occasion.

**GARY**

Hush Puppies.

**STEVIE**

There you go then. I'd better get back to the shop. See you later.

STEVIE LEAVES.

GARY IS DISTRAUGHT AND SITS DOWN AT ONE OF THE TABLES, HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS.

PENNY ENTERS.

**PENNY**

Gary, we need to talk.

**GARY**

Oh, hello Penny. I'm not sure I'm up to a grilling right now.

PENNY IGNORES THIS AND SITS DOWN OPPOSITE GARY AND TAKES OUT A FILOFAX.

**PENNY**

I've just come to discuss the catering for the wedding.

**GARY**

I'm not doing it. I can't.

**PENNY**

Do you think I want to do this?

**GARY**

Err, yes! You've literally talked of nothing else than getting Miranda hitched for the last three series. I mean years.

**PENNY**

Well, that's where you'd be wrong. Yes, I do want Miranda to be settled and happy and have a secure and promising future; she is my daughter. But no, I don't want her to marry if she's marrying the wrong person.

**GARY**

You think David is the wrong person?

**PENNY**

I know he is.

**GARY**

So why are you here, and why do you want to discuss the catering?

**PENNY**

I'm hoping she's going to change her mind and marry someone else.

**GARY**

Oh. Um, who?

**PENNY**

Do I really have to spell it out, Gary?

**GARY**

Do you mean… you want Miranda to marry me?

**PENNY**

No, of course not.

**GARY**

Oh.

**PENNY**

I wanted her to marry Mike. But as that's now completely off the table, I'm hoping she'll marry Benji.

PENNY'S PHONE BLEEPS WITH A TEXT MESSAGE.

**PENNY**

Bear with. Bear with. Where are my glasses?

**GARY**

On your head.

**PENNY**

Right. It's from Belinda, she's just back from her Mother of the Bride, pre wedding, top up tanning, Caribbean cruise and wants to meet for coffee. Yes! Even if I can't stand David, he's still a better catch than Charlie; and Miranda's wedding is first!

PENNY DASHES OUT LEAVING GARY EVEN MORE CONFUSED THAN BEFORE.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

... PENNY DASHES OUT LEAVING GARY EVEN MORE CONFUSED THAN BEFORE.

GARY SITS DOWN AT A TABLE, EXHAUSTED AND EMOTIONAL. HE IS LOST IN THOUGHT AND DOESN'T SEE MIRANDA COME IN TO THE RESTAURANT.

MIRANDA WATCHES GARY FOR A MOMENT, THEN GOES OVER TO THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO HIM.

**MIRANDA**

Hi.

**GARY **

Miranda. Hi. You just missed your mum.

**MIRANDA**

Oh good.

**GARY **

She doesn't seem as keen on David as she did before.

**MIRANDA**

Poor mum. It turns out that she does care about my happiness after all; and after years and years of trying to marry me off to anyone and everyone, she's quite upset at the thought of me marrying someone I clearly don't love.

**GARY **

Are you really going to marry him?

**MIRANDA**

What do you think, Gary?

**GARY **

I don't know what to think anymore. So, are you?

**MIRANDA**

No.

GARY IS SO RELIEVED THAT FOR A MOMENT HE CANNOT SPEAK.

**GARY **

Oh thank goodness.

**MIRANDA**

Now, here's the plan. You might want to get a notepad.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

LATER THAT DAY.

MIRANDA IS IN THE SHOP, HAVING A CUP OF TEA WITH STEVIE.

DAVID ENTERS AND PRESENTS MIRANDA WITH A HUGE BUNCH OF FLOWERS.

**DAVID **

These are for you, Miranda; my beautiful bride to be.

AS MIRANDA TAKES THE FLOWERS, DAVID KISSES HER PASSIONATELY.

**MIRANDA**

(BREATHLESSLY) Oh, thank you David, they're lovely. I'll just go and put them in some water. And maybe lie down for a few minutes.

MIRANDA EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AND DAVID STARTS TO BROWSE IN THE SHOP, COMPLETELY IGNORING STEVIE UNTIL HE NEEDS SOME ASSISTANCE.

**DAVID **

Hey, you! How much are these notepaper sets?

**STEVIE**

If you have to ask, you can't afford them.

**DAVID **

Watch it, Shorty; once Miranda and I are married, you might well find yourself out of a job.

STEVIE IS JUST ABOUT TO ANSWER INDIGNANTLY THAT MIRANDA WOULD BE MAD TO MARRY DAVID, WHEN MIRANDA RETURNS, SMILING AT BOTH OF THEM.

**MIRANDA**

Drink up your tea, Stevie, it'll get cold. And I've made one for you, David.

**DAVID**

Thanks, angel.

**STEVIE**

I think I'll go on my break, give you two some space.

**DAVID**

Ok, goodbye Stevie, it was really great to see you again.

**STEVIE**

Right. Bye.

STEVIE GRABS HER BAG AND EXITS THE SHOP.

**MIRANDA**

I'm so glad you're here David, there's something I need to ask you.

**DAVID**

Anything for you, my love.

**MIRANDA**

Ahh, that's really sweet. But what it is, and I hope it's not a hassle for you, but it'd make me so happy if you and Gary could be friends. So I have asked Gary to bury the hatchet and throw you a stag do tomorrow night.

**DAVID**

And he agreed?

**MIRANDA**

He's such a sweetheart, I told him how much it would mean to me. And to you, of course. So he's going to throw a little party for you at the restaurant. Say you'll go.

**DAVID**

Well, how can I refuse?

**MIRANDA**

But just make sure you don't end up naked on a train to Penzance because the church is booked for 11 o'clock the next day and the return train doesn't get in until half past.

**DAVID**

Of course; I'll just have a couple of beers and an early night. My parents are arriving the morning of the wedding so I'll be up bright and early to pick them up. Right; I'd better run, I'm picking up my suit. See you later.

DAVID EXITS THE SHOP AND MIRANDA SMILES; HER PLAN IS WORKING.

AT THE RESTAURANT.

GARY IS SERVING CUSTOMERS WHEN DAVID ENTERS. GARY COMPOSES HIMSELF AND THEN NODS IN A NOT ENTIRELY UNFRIENDLY WAY TO DAVID.

DAVID APPROACHES GARY AND SMILES SMUGLY.

**DAVID**

I've just come from Miranda; she says you're arranging my stag do.

**GARY **

That's right, David. For old time's sake. Least I could do.

**DAVID**

Bit of a turnaround on your part, isn't it?

**GARY **

Miranda means the world to me. If she wants me to help out, I will. I'd better get on, but if you can let me know the numbers by tomorrow lunch time, I'll make sure there's enough food.

**DAVID**

Oh, I can tell you now, Gary. It'll only be you and me. Just like old times. See you tomorrow.

DAVID LAUGHS AND EXITS THE RESTAURANT. GARY WATCHES HIM LEAVE, HIS FACE NOW SHOWING QUITE CLEARLY HOW MUCH HE DESPISES DAVID.

**GARY **

Yeah, see you tomorrow.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

DAVID LAUGHS AND EXITS THE RESTAURANT. GARY WATCHES HIM LEAVE, HIS FACE IS NOW SHOWING QUITE CLEARLY HOW MUCH HE DESPISES DAVID.

**GARY **

Yeah, see you tomorrow. Idiot.

MIRANDA ENTERS THE RESTAURANT.

**MIRANDA**

All sorted?

**GARY**

Yes. I hope you know what you're doing, Miranda.

**MIRANDA**

Oh ye of little faith, Gary, just stick to the plan and everything will be fine.

**GARY**

I'm still worried.

**MIRANDA**

You don't need to be. It's going to work, you do trust me, don't you Gary?

**GARY**

I just think... No, I can't tell you that.

**MIRANDA**

What?

**GARY**

OK, but don't hate me for saying this.

**MIRANDA**

I think you'd better tell me, Gary.

**GARY**

I'm just worried that when it comes to it, you'll get swept away with everything. That you'll put on a beautiful wedding dress, and it will stop you from thinking clearly. And that... well, that you'll end up marrying him.

**MIRANDA**

Charming. Well thanks for your faith in me, Gary, but I can assure you I'm not as shallow as you seem to think.

**GARY**

That's not what I meant.

**MIRANDA**

Just keep to your part of the plan and let me deal with everything else. I'd better go, see you, Gary.

**GARY**

No, wait Miranda. Please. Look, sit down, let me make you something to eat.

**MIRANDA**

Alright, I am quite peckish. I'm sorry I snapped, but it's been really stressful.

**GARY**

No, it's my fault, I'm sorry. And of course I don't think you're shallow. Have a seat and I'll make you an omelette, ok?

**MIRANDA**

OK, thanks Gary.

GARY GOES INTO THE KITCHEN. MIRANDA SITS DOWN AND STARTS TO READ THE PAPER. TILLY ENTERS THE RESTAURANT.

**TILLY**

There you are! I've got a bone to pick with you Queen Kong!

**MIRANDA**

Tilly, please don't start, I've got enough on my plate.

**TILLY**

I can't believe it, Kong! You're completely spoiling my big day; all everyone's talking about is you and this David bloke!

**MIRANDA**

Well it will all be over the day after tomorrow, then it will be Tilly Tilly Tilly, I promise.

**TILLY**

And you haven't asked me to be your bridesmaid.

**MIRANDA**

Will you be my bridesmaid, Tilly?

**TILLY**

Oh, wowsers! Yes! Oh, I feel so honoured!

TILLY'S PHONE BLEEPS.

**TILLY**

Bear with, bear with...

MIRANDA SIGHS AND GOES BACK TO READING THE PAPER. TILLY SITS DOWN NEXT TO HER AND READS HER TEXT.

**TILLY**

Oh, apparently I've been mis-sold PPI. Random. Right, what will I be wearing? Am I 'ooo-nique' or will Stevie be assisting moi? What about shoes? And hair? And make up? What time should I start doing our nails?

**MIRANDA**

You'll be wearing the bridesmaid dress that I'm wearing to your wedding. It'll be a bit too loose, and a bit too long, but you'll cope, I'm sure. Yes, Stevie is also a bridesmaid. Shoes, models own. Hair, dragged through hedge backwards should be fine. Make up – anything you like, but nothing too goth. And as for nails, I insist on gloves, so no one will see them. Is that all quite clear?

TILLY BURSTS INTO TEARS AND RUNS OUT OF THE RESTAURANT.

GARY RETURNS WITH A DELICIOUS OMELETTE FOR MIRANDA AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO HER.

**GARY**

There you are. Tuck in.

**MIRANDA**

Ooh, yummy, thank you.

GARY STAYS SILENT WHILE MIRANDA EATS THE OMELETTE. WHEN SHE'S FINISHED, HE MAKES HER A CUP OF TEA AND BRINGS HER A SLICE OF CHEESECAKE.

**MIRANDA**

You're spoiling me Gary! Don't forget that I'll need to fit into a wedding dress in two days time!

**GARY**

This whole thing has really made me think about how things are between us, Miranda. I've been so stupid.

**MIRANDA**

Please don't, Gary. Let's just get through this, ok? We'll talk about what's going on with us afterwards. Thanks for the omelette; I'd better get home.

MIRANDA KISSES GARY ON THE CHEEK AND LEAVES THE RESTAURANT.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

THE NEXT MORNING (THE DAY BEFORE THE WEDDING!)

MIRANDA IS IN BED, ASLEEP. HER ALARM CLOCK SOUNDS AND SHE SLEEPILY REACHES OUT AND SWITCHES IT OFF, THEN YAWNS AND SITS UP, RUBBING HER EYES.

MIRANDA THEN GETS THE SHOCK OF HER LIFE AS SHE SEES DAVID IS SITTING AT THE END OF HER BED, SMILING AT HER.

**MIRANDA**

David! How the hell did you get in here?

**DAVID**

Morning my love, I just couldn't wait to see you.

**MIRANDA**

But we're due to meet for breakfast in half an hour. How long have you been there?

**DAVID**

Only a couple of hours. I'll make us a cup of tea.

DAVID EXITS THE BEDROOM AND MIRANDA STARES AFTER HIM FOR A MOMENT AND THEN GETS OUT OF BED, PUTS ON HER DRESSING GOWN AND FOLLOWS DAVID TO THE KITCHEN.

IN THE KITCHEN DAVID IS MAKING TEA AND PRESENTS MIRANDA WITH A TRAY OF DELICIOUS PASTRIES.

**MIRANDA**

Ooh, yummy.

**DAVID**

I ordered them from a bespoke patisserie in the town; I thought we'd have these now with a cup of tea and then have a late brunch of eggs, bacon, sausages, beans, mushrooms.

**MIRANDA**

Keep talking.

**DAVID**

Hash browns, toast, tomatoes, chips, muffins, tea cakes, wagon wheels.

**MIRANDA**

Wagon wheels? I love those!

**DAVID**

I'll order double.

**MIRANDA**

But easy on the tomatoes.

**DAVID**

Your wish is my command.

PENNY ENTERS AND IS SURPRISED TO SEE DAVID THERE.

**PENNY**

Good morning darling. Oh, David, have you just got here, or were you here all night?

**MIRANDA**

Mum! I'm a grown woman, stop treating me like a child.

**DAVID**

Your mother is only concerned for your virtue and reputation my angel. No Penny, I just got here. And can I just say, you're looking absolutely stunning this morning. I'll leave you to get ready, Miranda, and see you later for that brunch.

DAVID KISSES MIRANDA AND EXITS THE FLAT. AS SOON AS HE'S GONE, PENNY TURNS ON MIRANDA.

**PENNY**

You told me this was all going away. You said you weren't going to marry him. What are you playing at?

**MIRANDA**

Just let me do this my way Mum. I'm handling it, honestly.

**PENNY**

I saw that look in your eyes. All lovey dovey and gooey. Yuck.

**MIRANDA**

That was the pastries!

**PENNY**

Well you be careful, and remember, Benji is still available.

**MIRANDA**

How could I forget! But we need to get moving if we're getting down to the hire shop for the wedding dress.

MIRANDA GRABS HER BAG AND STARTS TO GO TOWARDS THE DOOR. THEN STOPS AND REALISES SHE'S STILL IN HER PYJAMAS.

**MIRANDA**

I'll just get ready first. Ooh, and eat the pastries.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

THAT AFTERNOON.

MIRANDA AND STEVIE ARE IN THE SHOP. IT'S VERY BUSY AND STEVIE IS GETTING QUITE FLUSTERED. MIRANDA, HOWEVER, IS COMPLETELY RELAXED AND READING THE PAPER WITH A CUP OF TEA, OBLIVIOUS TO ALL THE HUSTLE AND BUSTLE OF CUSTOMERS AROUND HER.

FINALLY THE LAST CUSTOMER LEAVES AND STEVIE PUTS THE 'CLOSED' SIGN ON THE DOOR AND LOCKS IT BEFORE COLLAPSING ONTO A CHAIR AND CLOSING HER EYES WITH RELIEF FOR A FEW MOMENTS. SHE THEN GLARES AT MIRANDA WHO IS STILL HAPPILY ENSCONCED WITH HER PAPER AND IS NOW EATING CRISPS RATHER MESSILY, GETTING MOST OF THEM DOWN HER FRONT AND HAVING TO FISH THEM OUT OF HER BRA.

**STEVIE**

Thanks for all your help today Miranda, couldn't have done it without you.

**MIRANDA**

Oh. You're welcome. Want some crisps?

MIRANDA OFFERS STEVIE THE CRISPS SHE HAS DUG OUT FROM HER BRA. STEVIE LOOKS HORRIFIED.

THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. IT IS DAVID.

MIRANDA GOES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT, BUT DOESN'T INVITE DAVID IN.

**MIRANDA**

You can't come in David, it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride the night before the wedding. We wouldn't want anything to go wrong, would we?

**DAVID**

No, my cherub, you're quite right. I just wanted to reassure you that all the arrangements are made and that I can't wait to be your husband tomorrow morning.

**MIRANDA**

Ooh, wait there a moment, I've got something for you.

MIRANDA RUSHES UP THE STAIRS LEAVING DAVID IN THE DOORWAY. STEVIE TRIES TO MOVE OUT OF HIS SIGHT BUT HE SEES HER.

**DAVID**

Shouldn't you be getting home? You're not claiming overtime are you? Not when you're clearly just lolloping about and not even putting out any stock.

**STEVIE**

No, David. Don't you worry, I'm helping Miranda get ready for the big day.

MIRANDA RUSHES BACK DOWN THE STAIRS HOLDING A CD CASE.

**DAVID**

There you are, petal. Stevie and I were having a lovely chat, she's a real treasure, isn't she?

**MIRANDA**

Oh, how lovely. Yes, Stevie is one in a million. Here you go; it's the music I want them to play when I come up the aisle – you'll be at the church first so can you give it to the vicar?

**DAVID**

Of course I will. Ok, I'm off to Gary's for my stag do, have a good evening.

DAVID LEAVES AND MIRANDA SHUTS AND LOCKS THE DOOR AGAIN.

**STEVIE**

Are we supposed to be having a hen party?

**MIRANDA**

Well, I've got a few old friends arriving shortly, so why don't get some wine and order some pizzas?

**STEVIE**

So we are having a hen party.

**MIRANDA**

Cheer up, Stevie. I'll order a special kids pizza, just for you, then you can pretend it's a large one and that you're not Borrower size.

**STEVIE**

Ok. I do enjoy doing that.

**MIRANDA**

I know. Ooh, here they are!

THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND MIRANDA GOES TO OPEN IT. HER OLD COLLEGE FRIENDS ARE ALL THERE, GRINNING AND HOLDING BOTTLES OF WINE.

**MIRANDA**

Hello, hello, thank you so much for coming at such short notice! This is my friend, Stevie.

**STEVIE**

Hi.

**MIRANDA**

Stevie, this is Sally, Jo and Claire – we were all at Uni together.

**STEVIE**

So you all know David too.

**JO**

Yes; he always gave me the creeps. I can't believe he's turned up after all these years.

**MIRANDA**

I can't believe I knew nothing about his behaviour until Gary told me.

**SALLY**

He wasn't blackmailing you then?

**MIRANDA**

I hadn't seen or heard from him since Uni. So you knew all about the photos he'd been taking of us all?

**SALLY**

No, I thought it was just me. He implied that, anyway. And I was so mortified that I just paid up and tried to put it behind me. I only found out years later that Jo and Claire had paid him too.

**CLAIRE**

I know we should have gone to the police, but we were young and naive and it was completely unexpected.

**MIRANDA**

But you kept the letters he sent?

**SALLY**

Yep, got them here.

**MIRANDA**

Brilliant! Fire up the laptop Stevie, we've got work to do. But it's a pity I'm not having a real Hen Do - I'd have loved a stripper - ooh, a policeman! He'd dance erotically and show me his truncheon...

**STEVIE**

Well, maybe when you marry Gary, Miranda. Let's get to work.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

AT THE RESTAURANT.

GARY PUTS A SELECTION OF DELICIOUS TAPAS AND OTHER SNACKS ON A TABLE AND THEN LOOKS AT THE CLOCK. IT IS ALMOST 8PM.

DAVID ARRIVES AND STRIDES INTO THE RESTAURANT AS IF HE OWNS THE PLACE, TAKING OFF HIS JACKET AND SLINGING IT OVER A CHAIR BEFORE SITTING DOWN AND PUTTING HIS FEET UP ON THE TABLE WHERE GARY HAS JUST LAID OUT THE FOOD.

DAVID PICKS UP A HANDFUL OF SAUSAGE ROLLS AND STUFFS THEM IN HIS MOUTH.

**DAVID**

What have we got to drink?

**GARY**

There's wine, beer, whiskey, whatever you want, David, it's your night after all.

DAVID SMIRKS CRUELLY.

**DAVID**

Yes, it is indeed my night. And my last night as a single man; tomorrow I'll be in Miranda's arms. And her bed. How does that make you feel, Gary?

**GARY**

All's fair in love and war, David. So what will you have to drink?

**DAVID**

I think I'll have a whiskey, for old time's sake. Will you be joining me?

**GARY**

I've already started on the red wine, so I'll stick with that for now.

GARY POURS A VERY LARGE WHISKEY FOR DAVID AND GIVES IT TO HIM, THEN REACHES FOR A VERY LARGE, HALF FULL GLASS OF RED WINE FROM THE BAR AND SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH DAVID.

**DAVID**

Cheers!

**GARY**

Down the hatch!

DAVID SWALLOWS BACK THE WHISKEY IN ONE GREEDY GULP. HE BELCHES RICHLY AND THE GRABS SOME SNACKS AND STUFFS THEM IN HIS MOUTH.

GARY HASTILY COLLECTS THE BOTTLE OF WHISKEY FROM THE BAR AND REFILLS DAVID'S GLASS WITH ANOTHER ENORMOUS DRINK.

DAVID CONTINUES TO DRINK AND EAT LIKE A GLUTTON WHILE GARY SIPS HIS RED WINE. DAVID IS BECOMING TIPSY AND A BIT GIGGLY.

**DAVID**

Oops, I think I've finished another glass there Gary. Top her up.

**GARY**

So what brings you down this way?

**DAVID**

My pathetic father thinks this could be an area for potential expansion. He's wrong; he always is. Our business would have gone down the pan if I'd let him make any real decisions these last few years.

**GARY**

Must have been a shock seeing Miranda again.

**DAVID**

It's the only reason I agreed to come on this stupid trip.

**GARY**

I didn't realise you were that keen on her at University, you never asked her out.

**DAVID**

Well I couldn't, could I? Not with you always hanging about like a bad smell. I must say, though, that I'm surprised you didn't make your move, especially after you ousted me from the group.

**GARY**

Miranda and I are just friends.

**DAVID**

Yeah, right, course you are. No one believes that, Gary. I see the way you look at her, it's sickening.

**GARY**

It just never worked out.

**DAVID**

But you wanted it to, I can tell, so when I marry Miranda tomorrow, I'll finally have my revenge for your meddling and forcing me out of the group.

**GARY**

You seem to have overlooked the fact that you were committing a crime, David.

**DAVID**

Wasn't hurting anyone though, was it? I believe you were jealous, Gary.

**GARY**

No David, I don't get my kicks by spying on people and taking photographs of my friends when they thought they were alone.

**DAVID**

You're such a plonker, Gary. And in the end it's you who'll be ousted because I'll be taking Miranda away to live with me, miles and miles away from here.

**GARY**

Miranda's life is here. She's got her own business, her friends, her family.

**DAVID**

I'm her family now and I'm sure she'll be glad to be rid of that dreadful mother of hers. But I think we'll call it a night; I've got a wedding to get to in the morning. See you at the church, Gary.

DAVID GETS UP WITH DIFFICULTY AND LEAVES THE RESTAURANT.

GARY PUSHES AWAY HIS HARDLY TOUCHED GLASS OF WINE AND FOLLOWS DAVID TO THE DOOR, LOCKING IT BEHIND HIM.

GARY THEN GOES TO THE BAR AND LIFTS A TINY CAMERA OUT OF A BOWL OF FRUIT AND POCKETS IT.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23 – PART 1

The big day has arrived. The sun is shining and birds are singing and everyone is thrilled and delighted for the happy couple. Err... actually, scrap that last bit – all of David's family are thrilled and delighted – but all of Miranda's family and friends are as solemn as funeral attendees and are sitting silently in the pews of the church, waiting with dread for the forthcoming event.

Miranda, looking beautiful in a classic white wedding dress, waits in the vestry until the vicar invites Miranda and her father to walk up the aisle.

The music that Miranda has chosen blasts out – it's 'you've lost that loving feeling'.

The congregation can't help but listen to the words as Miranda walks up the aisle:

You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips

And there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips

You're tryin' hard not to show it, baby

But baby, baby I know it

You've lost that lovin' feelin'

Whoa that lovin' feelin'

You've lost that lovin' feelin',

Now it's gone, gone, gone whoaohoh

There are looks of puzzlement on the faces of David and his family; this isn't the most appropriate song that could have been chosen for the big entrance.

But if David seems perturbed he is soon reassured as Miranda smiles at him and takes his hand as she reaches his side.

The ceremony starts and the vicar welcomes everyone and talks about the virtues and responsibilities of marriage. He then asks if anyone present knows of any just cause why David and Miranda should not be joined in holy matrimony...

...there are several moments of silence. Gary is desperate to put his hand in the air and tell the assembled guests that David is a lying, cheating low life who doesn't deserve Miranda, not in a million years... But he holds this in and waits, because Miranda has promised him that she'll make everything right.

The vicar is just about to continue when Miranda clears her throat in a purposeful manner.

Everyone stares at Miranda, waiting for her to speak.


	24. Chapter 23 - part 2

The vicar is just about to continue when Miranda clears her throat in a purposeful manner.

Everyone stares at Miranda, waiting for her to speak.

**MIRANDA**

I would like to say something.

**VICAR**

You're the bride.

**MIRANDA**

Yes, I'm glad you spotted that.

**VICAR**

Well hurry up; I've got a funeral in twenty minutes.

**MIRANDA**

This won't take long. It's just a few slides.

**DAVID**

Slides? This is our wedding my angel, not a business presentation.

**MIRANDA**

Actually it's not.

**DAVID**

Not a business presentation?

**MIRANDA**

Not our wedding...


	25. Chapter 25

**MIRANDA**

Gary?

**GARY**

Here.

GARY WALKS UP THE AISLE WITH A LAPTOP. HE OPENS IT AND PRESSES 'PLAY' ON A VIDEO CLIP.

THE CONGREGATION GATHER ROUND TO WATCH AS THE VIDEO SHOWS THE SCENE FROM LAST NIGHT AND THEY HEAR DAVID'S RANT FROM 'MY PATHETIC FATHER' ALL THE WAY TO DAVID AND GARY DISCUSSING DAVID'S PREVIOUS CRIMES AGAINST THEIR FRIENDS.

THERE ARE COLLECTIVE GASPS AND FOR A MOMENT DAVID LOOKS HORROR STRUCK AT BEING CAUGHT OUT. THEN HE TURNS ON THE CHARM AGAIN AND TAKES MIRANDA'S HANDS.

**DAVID**

You mustn't believe all this my darling; it's just two old friends and a lot of bravado. It's not true at all; I was just teasing Gary.

**MIRANDA**

I see. And what about Jo, Sally and Claire; were you just teasing them too? Because I'm not sure they saw it that way.

DAVID GIVES A START. AND THEN LOOKS EVEN MORE SHOCKED WHEN JO, SALLY AND CLAIRE ALL STAND UP AND HE SEES THEM FOR THE FIRST TIME.

**DAVID**

I, I, I can explain. Really. I…

**MIRANDA**

It's too late, David.

**DAVID**

No, don't say that Miranda, every marriage has its ups and downs. We'll look back at this and laugh; it will be something to tell our grandchildren.

**STEVIE**

I've already called the police.

**DAVID**

Oh shut up you pathetic little mutated munchkin!

EVERYONE GASPS AS DAVID REVEALS HIS TRUE COLOURS.

THEN TWO POLICEMEN RUSH INTO THE CHURCH AND START WALKING PURPOSEFULLY DOWN THE AISLE TOWARDS DAVID.

DAVID ONLY HESITATES FOR A MOMENT BEFORE TAKING TO HIS HEELS AND FLEEING THROUGH THE SIDE DOOR. THE POLICEMEN DO NOT TRY TO CATCH HIM.

**POLICEMAN 1**

He won't get far, we've got the place surrounded.

**POLICEMAN 2**

We need Miranda's friends and family to stay, but the groom's side can leave now.

IN A STATE OF SHOCK, DAVID'S FAMILY EXIT THE CHURCH, FOLLOWED BY THE VICAR WHO IS NOW IN A HURRY TO GET TO A FUNERAL.

MIRANDA IS RATHER CONFUSED AND TURNS TO THE TWO POLICEMEN.

**MIRANDA**

Why do you still need us here?

**STEVIE**

Because of this!

STEVIE HITS PLAY ON THE CD PLAYER AND THE SONG 'IT'S RAINING MEN' BLASTS OUT.

THE TWO POLICEMEN RIP OFF THEIR UNIFORMS AND PROCEED TO DANCE AROUND MIRANDA WHO IS COMPLETELY STUNNED FOR A FEW MOMENTS, BUT THEN COMPLETELY RECOVERS TO JOIN IN…


	26. Chapter 26

THE TWO POLICEMEN RIP OFF THEIR UNIFORMS AND PROCEED TO DANCE AROUND MIRANDA WHO IS COMPLETELY STUNNED FOR A FEW MOMENTS, BUT THEN COMPLETELY RECOVERS TO JOIN IN…

...LATER

MIRANDA IS LAUGHING AND DRINKING WINE WITH JO, SALLY AND CLAIRE.

**MIRANDA**

I don't think we need to worry about seeing David ever again!

**SALLY**

Well, we'd better be going; it was really great to see you again, Miranda.

**MIRANDA**

Let's not leave it so long next time.

JO, SALLY AND CLAIRE LEAVE AND MIRANDA CLEARS AWAY THE GLASSES AND STARTS WASHING UP IN THE KITCHEN.

GARY ENTERS, WATCHING MIRANDA, HER BACK TO HIM, FOR A FEW MOMENTS BEFORE HE SPEAKS.

**GARY**

Hi.

**MIRANDA**

Oh, Gary, hi. I was just going to make a coffee, do you want one?

**GARY**

Um, yeah, great.

**MIRANDA**

Take a seat.

GARY DOESN'T SIT DOWN. INSTEAD HE WALKS RIGHT UP TO MIRANDA AND KISSES HER. MIRANDA IS TAKEN BY SURPRISE BUT AFTER A FEW SECONDS SHE PUSHES HIM AWAY.

**MIRANDA**

Gary! What are you doing?

**GARY**

Sorry. I'm just so relieved.

**MIRANDA**

Ok. But don't let it happen again.

**GARY**

It's like that, is it?

**MIRANDA**

I don't know what you mean, Gary, do you want sugar?

**GARY**

What?

**MIRANDA**

Sugar. In your coffee.

**GARY**

Miranda!

**MIRANDA**

Suit yourself. Here's your coffee.

MIRANDA HANDS GARY A CUP AND TAKES HER OWN COFFEE OVER TO THE SOFA. GARY FOLLOWS HER.

**GARY**

Miranda, can we talk?

**MIRANDA**

We talk every day.

**GARY**

You're not going to make this easy, are you?

**MIRANDA**

It is easy, Gary, you just open and shut your mouth and words come out. And yes, I am being facetious, so perhaps you should stop beating around the bush and tell me what you really want to say.

**GARY**

Ok. You're right. I will. It's like this. Well... You see...

PENNY, TILLY, CHARLIE AND STEVIE, ALONG WITH THE TWO POLICEMEN, BURST INTO THE FLAT, ALL DOING THE CONGA.

ONE OF THE POLICEMEN GRABS MIRANDA AND THEY ALL CONGA OUT WITH HER, LEAVING GARY STILL STUTTERING.

**END OF EPISODE ONE.**


End file.
